Note: Deviating from my previous format, issues of OOO moving forward will feature one of the categories instead of all three.
I finish my lip balms to the end of the tube. I don’t cancel plans at the last minute because *I’m not feeling it.* And if I make a commitment to try every LaCroix flavor and rate them over the course of a school year, you know I’m going to try all 27 flavors and make a spreadsheet.
Every Friday during the 2025-26 school year, my friend* Lacey and I got together at the end of the school day and tried a different LaCroix flavor. We took three sips: one to cleanse the palate, one to taste, and one to confirm (this was my idea, and it sounds both pompous and correct in hindsight). We rated each flavor on a scale from 0-5 and could each award a flavor the elusive “je ne sais quoi” point, the meaning of which was totally up to our own discretion.
Pineapple Coconut, LaCroix’s newest flavor, is now my undoubted favorite. It has nuance, warmth, and indeed that elusive je ne sais quoi. BUT the can must be refrigerated before you drink it, otherwise it does not hit quite the same.** I would also recommend Sunshine (easy to find at Kroger) and Mojito (I’ve never seen it at Kroger) to anyone who hasn’t tried them. It’s clear I prefer warm flavors (coconut, and the notes of vanilla in cherry blossom, key lime, and limoncello) over straight citrus, which I find ends up to cleaner-y.
I’m glad we made a spreadsheet to record our scores because my brain has already forgotten half of this analysis and/or is trying to rewrite the past. I had forgotten Mango was even a flavor until revisiting this chart and now hazily remember proclaiming to Lacey that it was the best flavor during Drama Club rehearsal one day. Conversely, I am drawn to trying Apricot again even though I only rated it a 2; I’m sure that when I buy it, I will realize it deserved that 2, and I’ll be salty because I’ll be sitting on 7 more cans that I will annoyedly drink throughout the next week. Why don’t I trust my own analysis? I hope this is not some sort of deep-seated issue and is instead because I’ve made loving stone fruit part of my personality.***
Here are some other interesting statistics that I didn’t end up needing to calculate myself (I was planning on it though!) because Lacey had already done it for her own newsletter.
I do remember very clearly that Lemon and Cherry Lime were actually foul. I fear now that a 1.5 was generous. Lacey really loved Pure but I was too distracted by the metallic flavor of the can.
What I’ve learned from this: I don’t like LaCroix nearly as much as I thought I did. Saratoga and Topo Chico have better bubbles (Saratoga is more effervescent and Topo Chico has satisfyingly massive bubbles). Waterloo and Polar have better flavors (Melon Medley and Cranberry Lime are my favorites, respectively). I think LaCroix’s playful branding and wide selection are deeply appealing and are responsible for my prolonged interest. And if you’ve ever wondered about LaCroix’s branding, Bon Appetit published this history in 2017 (when seltzer content was a tad more relevant). That being said, LaCroix’s branding once led one of my students to refer to it as “off-brand Faygo.”
Next year, Lacey and I are going to do the same rating every Friday for Pepperidge Farm cookies. There are 62 flavors; we’ll have to double up each week (if you are a school friend and want to join, we welcome you!). Some of the seasonal flavors look a little scary though.
That’s it! Have a great rest of your week!
*“Friend” doesn’t do Lacey justice. She is easily the most important friend I have made since moving to Columbus. She is funny, caring, wise, and authentically herself. We have produced four plays together, withstood many a fire drill and tornado warning together, and celebrated all sorts of things together. She is also a very helpful voice of reason when I’m beginning to spiral. She is indeed my bestie, and I love her and admire her, and I’m not just saying all of this because she’s currently sitting across from me.
**Pouring room temperature seltzer over ice does not count. It messes with the bubbles and isn’t as positive of an experience as drinking a refrigerated can. Trust me on this.
***I do really love stone fruit. Plums are one of the greatest treasures on the planet. The only downside to loving stone fruit is that stone fruit season overlaps with the end of the Supreme Court term, so I find myself anxiously shoving my face full of nectarine while anxiously refreshing SCOTUSblog.